Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
