You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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