i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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