i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
