I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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