2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
