Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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