the condom got lost in my hair
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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