Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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