Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
