so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
