I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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