I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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