i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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