This is not my ceiling
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
