I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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