My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
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Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis