Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
