So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
