Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
