do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
