Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
