DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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