apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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