i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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