Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
