I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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