mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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