I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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