i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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