Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
