My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
this boner is exhausting
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
