a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
