You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
