I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
