I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
