I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
