His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
