I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
