I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
