Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
