good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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