My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
