I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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