i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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