3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
