are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
there is puke in my bra ... again
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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