I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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