Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
