My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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