it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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