you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
