So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
