1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.