So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.