also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
