So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
