for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
